Single in the Snow? Try This...

Winter has reared its cold, bitchy head.  Don't get me wrong, I love snowfall.  The way the crystallized white flakes make their way to the cold earth has some magical qualities.  I love when the entire outside world seems to be covered in its glory.

However, I can't stand people who have no idea how to drive in the snow.  C'mon people, just fuckin drive with a little caution and move out the way.   More notably, I can't stand Winter's way of mocking the single people of the world.  Its like Winter comes around every year for the sole purpose of poking the single people in the ass to remind them that about what they are lacking in their lives. I am blessed enough to have beautiful children to share the first snowfall of the year with, and I am thankful for that.  But what is it about Winter that makes you want to snuggle up under someone bigger than yourself...with a warm drink in hand and twinkle in your eyes?

In a perfect world, we all would have a worthy partner to spend Winter with...flirty snowball fights, hand holding when you forget your gloves, dates to holiday parties, ice-skating, and of course body heat while drifting off to sleep.  And what about that dreaded hour 12am on January 1st with no one to kiss?

It seems the masses of the un-coupled are in high gear looking for their Winter partners.  What a great way to add to the stress of retail madness, maxed out credit cards with rising APRs and family pressure during the holiday season!  For those of you who are looking for something to do to fill the gaping void left when that bitch Winter reminds you that you are alone, check out my top 10 ideas for activities to do in early winter. (by clicking the link below to view more...some of you need the explicit instructions.)


Top 10 Things to Do If You are Single in December

1) Give yourself a gift.  You deserve it.  You are after all enduring the shittiest time of the year to be single, and will not likely be receiving a gift of any sort from a relationship prospect if you haven't found one by now.  May I suggest something you can enjoy alone...a deck of cards to play solitare or a personal sex toy (hehe)

2)Torture yourself with a romantic comedy.  In fact, there are quite a few movies out there that even have a holiday theme mixed in.  I watched Four Christmases the other day...it was actually pretty funny.  Here...I'm gonna hook you up.  Click here to stream free movies online.  Just don't blame me that many of the movies are bad bootleg quality and many don't work.

3)Watch Elf Porn.  Corny.  I know.  But if anyone knows if a porn of such entertainment value exists, please tell me where I can find it.

4) Get a snuggie.  Oh, hell to the no!  Scratch that.

5) Go to your local Walmart and laugh at couples of lower socioeconomic status than yourself.  Yeah, I shop there too, we all do at some point...but its more fun to pretend you don't HAVE to shop there and poke fun at what they have in their carts.  Who wants a NASCAR bathroom set under their tree??  Me, oh Me!!

6) Add interesting items to peoples carts at the grocery store or Walmart or Tar-jay.  My mom taught me this during a period of attempting to kick her alcohol/pill popping habits.  Its mean, yes, but a lot of fun.  And did you know that being shitty to people will help you feel better about yourself?  How about a pregnancy test in a young couple's cart.  Honey, is there something you would like to tell me?  Or a block of lard in a cart of a morbidly obese person.  Tis the season of giving, even if it IS really, really mean.  A box of condoms in an elderly person's cart.  And for that disgustingly obnoxious cute couple who is happily shopping, and stopping to kiss and oogle each other...throw in a extra large package of Vagisil cream for her vaginal itchiness.  Extra points when they don't notice the item until they are at the register.

7)  Watch said romantic comedy and get wasted.  There is nothing wrong with indulging in an entire bottle (or 3) of fine wine or a 40 oz of Old E.  Pick your poison and enjoy.  I would also suggest gratifying your inner bitch/doucheness by drunk texting a former lover with a message like the following:
"I hate you.   You are such a(n) (asshole/bitch/whore/douche/bastard) and I hope you (choke/get hit by a bus/catch an STD.)  Happy Holidays!  I (miss/hate/want/need) you.  Wanna come over?"

8) Go spend way more than you can afford on gifts.  Manic spending sprees are more fulfilling if it is all in the name of giving in the holiday spirit.  Max out those credit cards!  Overdraw your checking account!  Fill that void with giving better gifts than anyone else will.

9) Inversely, shop for everyone on you gifting list at your local dollar store.  Oh, you can not beat the deals they have there!  You can fill your whole cart and spend under $50.  That is what I am doing this year.  I will also be enclosing gift receipts in case they would like to exchange their present for something they would like more.

10) Sit on Santa's lap.   Look like a total nut and go visit Santa, sans kids.  Maybe even grind a little bit and see if you can feel something pop up under the cheap smelly suit.  You might even get a date out of it...or a sexual predator reporting requirement.

If you are not as cool as I am, try this.  Remember that the majority of other singles are also uncomfortable this time of year.  They want the same things you want.  Get out there and mingle!  Accept date offers from people, even if they seem like complete losers!  If all else fails, you can always roll around naked in the snow in hopes to kill your libido and require medical intervention for your hypothermia, which may or may not include special treatment at the hospital and painkillers.